Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
