Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Randomize
