I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Randomize
