They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
