you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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