Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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