I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
