We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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