Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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