We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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