I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Less talking, more tequila
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
