I think my fart just growled at me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
