Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
