If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
