Your face is a jimmy john
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
