Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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