id be glad to
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
