the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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