we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
