Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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