i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
