I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
