They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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