My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
