i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
