wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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