WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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