I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Well I just put wine in my tea
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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