The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
