Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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