the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
