bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
