Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
