I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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