You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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