i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
