On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
