She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
