She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You ate ashes out of my bong
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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