I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
