This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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