i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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