Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
im on a boat
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