I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
