can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
