I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Less talking, more tequila
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
