Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
