I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
