fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
