I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
