mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
