I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
