Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
